It's Been A While...

I seem to recall that in my last post I griped about needing caffeine as my typing fuel.

Yeah. That.

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My husband once wore a blue wig.

He wasn't my husband yet when he wore the blue wig. He was just a crazy college kid that I had a crazy crush on.

Then he got a crazy crush on me and we ran away and got married and lived in a little apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor, a couch and a laptop.

Then we got pregnant and  moved to a bigger apartment and had a baby boy and we became three.

And I still had a crazy crush on him and he still had a crazy crush on me.

Then we blew the apartment and moved to a little house in a little town with a great big yard and a little bitty dog.

And we had this crazy crush on the little boy who had made us three and we wanted nothing more than to have another little somebody to make us four.

But no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we prayed, no matter how many tears we cried, the God who has a crazy crush on us kept saying no.

And He's still saying no.

And we wonder if it's because we aren't good enough parents for the little boy we have that crazy crush on because we know we aren't.

And we wonder if it's because we're so busy with our life that we forget to thank our God for His crazy crush on us.

But when we look deeper, we know that His crazy loving crush on us means that He will give us another little somebody at the perfect time for us.

But we're going crazy waiting.

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Friends of ours lost their baby girl this week. Our Lord loves them in such a perfect way, and somehow that painful, wretched, awful plan is because of that love.

But it doesn't seem like it.

Daughtry wrote a song for friends of his who went through something similar to our friends. It's a beautiful, aching song that asks so many of those raw, human questions that we ask when we lose someone. It's been running through my head all week:

Who would you be?
What would you look like 

When you looked at me for the very first time? 

Today could have been the first day

Of the rest of your life.

I can't begin to describe how grateful I am to know that those questions are and will be answered in eternity where her sweet little soul is so completely fulfilled with our Savior. 

My ache seems so small next to sorrows like these. 

So I hold on a little tighter to the blessings I have, I take a deep breath and I get outside myself to pray for somebody else for a change. 

And I feel my Savior smiling on me. 

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For my blue-haired college boy who I've still got a crazy crush on --

Just when these four walls try to cave in

And the ground underneath starts shaking

It's the hope in your eyes that I cling to

And I pray to God that it never leaves you.

We're not gonna bleed out

Never gonna break down

Thanks, baby -- I love you.