Quinn is working from home now, other than Saturdays at a "hobby job" at the bicycle shop. I'm working from home too -- with occasional days at the Birth Center where I'm employed. My life is comfortably busy, but I've had to let go of a lot of my perfectionist home-maker tendencies in order to let it be comfortable. It's a whole new world for me and I love it.
We're going to be pinching pennies for several months while Quinn works constantly at the dining room table to build his online business. This month his online income is at %50 of what we need to live comfortably. Our savings account and our two jobs are supplementing the rest for now.
We're still trying to get pregnant. In case anyone is wondering. And, in case anyone is wondering, we aren't pregnant.
Faith isn't believing that some particular thing will come to pass.
Faith isn't willing something into existence.
Faith isn't claiming something from God because we think it's what He meant by some promise He gave and then demanding that He give it to us.
Faith isn't never doubting.
Faith isn't courage.
Faith isn't inability to feel pain.
Faith isn't blind acceptance.
But what faith is is simply knowing, when it all comes down to it, that God is God, and that He is good.
Sometimes faith is weeping "Abba, hold me" after you spend 10 minutes shaking your fist in His face, because you know that He will wrap you up in His arms and shelter you.
Sometimes faith is laughing through life with the joy of the Lord while your dearest dreams are burning to ash at your feet.
Sometimes faith is just getting out of bed in the morning because He is Lord of the Morning and He will give you strength to take the first step, then the next step, then the next.
Sometimes faith is smiling into the beauty of the golden flecks of your child's eyes while wondering if you will ever be allowed to be a mother again, because you see the hand of God in those eyes.
Sometimes faith is crying out His name in agony because when your heart breaks His name is the first and only name you can cry.
Sometimes faith is whispering "Jesus, I believe in You" into the darkness after spending an hour, or a day, or a week asking yourself if He exists and if He hears you.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen. The reason we believe in what we cannot see is because He gives faith and faith shows us the substance of who He is. The body that was beaten. The heart that was broken. The eyes that wept. The mind suffered complete separation from God. The soul that descended to the deepest of hell to claim the deeds to our existence and break the chains that were dragging us downward.
Faith isn't something that makes you a Super-Christian, or that insulates you from pain, or that earns you the things you want. Faith doesn't even mean that you can "lift your eyes to the hills, from whence cometh your help."
Faith just means that there's a part of you that can receive the grace that the Holy Spirit is offering, and that through that grace you believe that God is.
Have faith, and through faith He will give grace, and through grace He will minister peace, and in peace you will find strength.
